brittydrake

I feel out of place in my own town. The only people who want to do anything fun with me live 420 miles away. Everyone on the west side of michigan shit talks each other, then pretends everything is okay. It's not okay.

Since my last update, I have had the best weekends of my life. I hung out with Dire Wolf a few times. 50 punx and I crashed a dude bro party, causing a scuffle. I went to two vegan potlucks. I went to the science center and planetarium. I walked around Detroit, and once again almost got into a scuffle. Not to mention, I had an amazing birthday! Melissa and Jill got me a build-a-bear Elephant, named Dan Yemin. He is dressed just like me. He even has a Descendents back patch, and a Charles in his backpack. I love him! Dj got me a stuffed elephant, too, but he's more cuddly than Dan. Dom made me a mix tape, which I have been listening to non-stop. James made me a mix cd. He's obviously not as punk, but I love it regardless. Bmoney even gave me some bean plants which are now growing in my back yard! I'm a lucky girl.

I'm really happy right now, but there's a lot of pressure on me to make other people happy. I hate being a people pleaser. I have to disappoint a few people soon. I wish I could just disregard everybody and worry about my own well-being. 

The show went well. There was a decent turn out. Dead Icons cancelled, but that's okay. That just meant more money for the other out of town band. People were respectful of the house, and Charles handled it well.

My friends have been letting me down. I've been letting people down. They have been sure to let me know that I've been letting them down. I wish I didn't care so much, but I do.. 

The fourth of july sucked pretty hard. It started out okay. I asked Adam to hang out, because he always complains that I avoid him. Adam, Melissa, Jeff, and I went party hopping, starting with Ryan's, and ending up at some house on Fulton. I now remember how stupid everyone looks when you're the only sober person around. Some guy started yelling at me because I told him I couldn't take his facial hair seriously. Later, Adam pulled a Jeckle and Hyde, and flipped out on me, causing a huge scene. I ended up walking home with him, so he could get his bag. It was only a few blocks, but it felt like miles, because I was being yelled at the whole time. I ended my night by reading some twilight, to clear my head. It could have been worse, I suppose.

Today was spent making journals. 


 

When you're born a lover, you're born to suffer.

I miss quite a few people. Some, more than others. Some who I wish I could forget instead.

Dan was in town for a few days. I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I would have liked, but I did get a picture of him to hang on the wall. I can hopefully fly him up here when he gets back from tour.

My cyst hurts. If I don't get my period within a week, I'll probably have to get it removed. I'm not scared, just annoyed. I can't go on road trips on a whim when I have surgeries planned!!!!!

I'm actually having an alright night, but because this is a livejournal entry, I'm going to classify it as a "bad night". I'm moved into the new house. My bones hurt from moving things all day. I had a lot of help. They didn't think my jokes were funny. What's new? The new house is nice, but lonely. It's more unsettling being alone in a house, as opposed to alone in an apartment.

I went to the drive in with Melissa, Casey, Bmoney, and Graham on thursday. We should to that more often.. 

I just accidentally stepped on Charles' tail, and he made the worst noise. I feel terrible. That will be in my head forever. I love that little bear so much.

 I've spent most of the past few days pretending to pack/move things. All the while, complaining about how much packing/moving sucks. Tomorrow is the big day! I want to be settled in by the time Dan gets to town on Sunday night.

My new favorite phrase is, "Stupid Idiot." It's so redundant.

Also, my cyst hurts.

 After an ultrasound, I found out I do have a cyst. No biggie. They usually go away on their own. I just have to refrain from pushing too hard when I poop. I eat a lot of fiber, so that shouldn't be a problem.

Melissa helped me move some things to the new house, while she used the washer to kill the possible scabies on her clothing. I fully move on Friday. I hope the house wont feel too lonely, all by myself. I guess that's why I have Charles.

Though I'm feeling a little less emotionally vexed, I still don't feel like myself. I don't think I've been acting like myself for the last week. I've had a lot on my mind, I guess. Hopefully once I move, I'll feel normal again.

Dan Halal will be here on Monday!!!!! He brings out the best in me, especially my sense of humor. 

The beach was fun tonight. I "swam" in the freezing water. By swam, I mean ran in to waist deep, and then quickly ran out again. There was plenty of delicious food, and good company.

I almost didn't get to go because I thought my appendix had burst. My mom got out of work to take me to the hospital before I started feeling better and decided to stick it out. I'm pretty sure it's actually an ovarian cyst. I just thought I had a really low appendix. The only thing I hate more than being in pain, is being at the doctor's office. 

I'm suffering from a plethora of conflicting emotions, spreading through all aspects of my life. As cliche as it may sound, my head is telling me one thing, and my heart is screaming another. I can't be everything to everybody.  I'm scrambling to be a good daughter, friend, and parent (to charles). My actions are spread so thin, that inadequacy has become an every day occurrence. I'm trying to do what I inwardly feel is right, but those actions are pretty consistently the hardest ones to take. This will only make me stronger.

I found my place in the sun,
lied my way there.
I've looked in your eyes,
I'm coming clean.
I've made up my mind.
to lie would be to compromise and i won't try.
I'm sorry.
I hope you'll forgive me 
but what you want from me is killing me

Yesterday was an eventful and interesting day. I woke up with an excruciating pain in my neck. I laid there crying for an hour, trying to gather the strength to lift myself out of bed. Finally, after slowly shoving pillows and blankets under my head for elevation, I was able to sit up. Then I spent another half hour putting my pants on, crying like a baby the whole time.

My first instinct was to call my mom. She was at the airport, about to fly to Minnesota. As soon as she picked up the phone, she was ready to miss her flight to take me to the hospital. I insisted that she not do that, but she was very persistent. Even after i got off the phone with her, she texted me every few minutes asking if she could help me. "Are you sure? What hospital are you going to? I'll meet you there. Brittany, are you sure you don't want me there? I want to be there for you." 

I called Jill, but she was working. Melissa came over to help me dress myself and lift my head like a baby, but she was too hung over to drive. So, Brittany Hyde came to the rescue. After 3 hours in the hospital I was given a shot of Valium, some vicodin, and a prescription for flexeril. I'm still in a bit of pain, but I have a bit more ease of movement, and I'm a bit loopy. 

I'm lucky to have such good friends. My mom offered to miss her flight, Jill offered to get out of work early, Melissa came over to help me even though she was puking, Emily called me from work to check on me, and Brittany Hyde was late to work for me. I couldn't ask for much more.

Sunday was a really fun night. I got to see 3 Descendents covers, a Kid Dynamite, a Paint it Black, a Lifetime, and a Shook Ones cover. I nearly lost my voice during a single set. Thank you, Kaline! After the show, a band from Denver, called Crooked Ways stayed at my place. They were really nice and appreciative. I bought them vegan pizza and had a good chat about Dan Yemin with the only guy whose name I couldn't remember.

The past couple days, I've spent making sock animals and mix tapes. I'm currently working on an all covers, friends bands, bands referencing other bands, and nostalgic songs tapes. The bands referencing other bands tape was supposed to be a bands referencing Husker Du tape, but I could only come up with 7 songs. These are the things I find myself doing/thinking about while Jill is out of town and Melissa is at work...

 I've decided to use this. Mostly because I have bad handwriting, and reading my handwritten journal is becoming more and more difficult.

 I created a blog because I've become unusually depressed and would like to share my personal feelings of sadness with the rest of the unhappy blogging community.